Not that I have anything against the kid...per se.
Its just that having boys comes with certain advantages and certain drawbacks. Sure, you might end up in the ER so often they initiate a Frequent Flyers program in your honor (present to be treated for 4 broken limbs and get the 5th limb free!!). An then there's that whole puberty thing, which is beyond uncomfortable for all involved ("Logan, put that encyclopedia down! you've been walking around holding it for days...OHHHHHHHHHHHH. Never mind.)
But one of the advantages of having boys is that you shouldn't have to do their hair.
Ever.
Like, in a million years.
Like, if you touch their hair they squirm and say "mooooommmmm" and run away.
So what am I supposed to do if one of these kid comes at me with a picture, a comb, and a can of hairspray and says, "Mommy, I want to be like him."?!?!
Am I supposed to do his hair for him?
If I refuse, will it only make the problem worse, like parents who refuse to let their daughter date, so she starts going to the mall in short shorts and tube tops and corn rows (even though she's white) and ends up losing her virginity to a biker named Masher, who eventually knocks her up and I have to be a grandmother at 40, which would totally put a kink in my plans to be an amateur porn star? (Another advantage of having boys I'd like to point out. Hey, it's not THEIR problem if their corn-rowed cracker-ass girlfriends get knocked up).
And then there's the whole EMO thing, which I didn't even understand until an old coworker explained it to me. We were on our lunch break and some teenager walked by with his hair all combed forward and to the side and eyeliner and skinny jeans and I was like, “Christ, kid, can you get that hair out of your face already?”
And my friend was like, “I think they call that ‘emo.’”
And I was all, “Why would they call it that? He doesn’t look anything LIKE an emu!”
And she was all, “Not emu, EMO. Jesus, can you get your hearing checked all ready?”
nd I was like, “No, I’m pretty sure they call that the GAY.”
And she was like, “Not these days.”
And I was like, “I know. Everything is so PC anymore. Fine, HOMOSEXUAL, okay?”
And she was like, “No, I mean, that style isn’t just for gay guys anymore.”
And I was all, “You mean HOMOSEXUAL guys.”
And she was like, “I hate you so much.”
But yeah, eyeliner and a coiffe hair and tight tight jeans and a high level of emotional expression apparently EXUDES sexuality to the ladies these days.
...Which almost makes me hope my boys are gay, so at least they'll man up a little, wear jeans that are appropriately loose, and be willing to put some heavy boxes in the attic without having to sit in the corner to write a poem about the injustice of it all while flicking a lighter on and off again.
So what's the point of this post?
Am I scared of my kids being gay?
Absolutely not. As long as their happy, that's all that matters to me.
...HAPPY being the operative word here.
I have no problem with my boys being romantically involved with men, doing all sorts of...uh...romantic man things with their gay lovers (and I won't continue, lest things get REALLY uncomfortable).
But having sons with painstakingly placed hair who wear make-up and are afraid to shovel my walk when it snows out?
THAT is a truly horrible thought.
After all - what's the point of procreation if I have to shovel my OWN driveway??!?
Dear Future Sons
For the record, you are not allowed to have a hairstyle that's more complicated and time-consuming to create than mine. You are not allowed to wear jeans that look like they were painted on. You are not allowed to wear anything that can be purchased in Sephora. And you are not allowed to take smoky beauty shots of you smiling, your head tilted slightly, in front of sparkly lights.
You ARE allowed to have male lovers, provided that both you and they are able to lift 50 lbs or more. And you ARE allowed to knock up your slutty girlfriends, provided that you deny it later.
Hugs and kisses,
Mom
Whenever my husband and I hear a kid crying in a public place, 10 times out of 10, it's a boy. My husband is an ex-sailor, and he really gets turned off by all of the pussy boys he sees here in the United States. When he was growing up, boys were boys, and they acted like boys, but many American boys act like girls now. They cry like girls, and they're afraid to try new things. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a sissy. I believe that the mothers are turning their sons into pussies, and because a lot of men in this country are pussies, the poor kid doesn't have a chance. Pussies breed pussies. I only have daughters, but if I had sons, they wouldn't be pussies. My husband would never allow it.
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