Just What You Wanted....ANOTHER Blog!

This is my fourth blog.

I should probably be on that show "Hoarders." They'd come in and I'd be hunched over at my desk with 50 blogs going simultaneously, all of them scrawny and not fully developed and covered with viruses. And then they'd have an intervention and they'd be like, "Do you REALLY NEED a blog about pickles??" and I'd Hum and Haw and get all anxious and end up saying "Well, let's keep it - FOR NOW - because I think pickles are really important and I have 2 followers on that one"

My first blog was awesome. Epic, if I may say so (although my husband informed me that the term "epic" is now officially out of style). I had tons of followers. I blogged every freaking day. It was funny - nay - HYSTERICAL. I talked a lot about my love of cake and my loathing of the corporate world.
It had a "3 shark 1 moon" shirt in it.
Good Stuff.
But then I quit my job and the anger kind of went fizz and I was all laid back and hippie like, and it just didn't translate well into blogging.

My second blog was...interesting. Something about preparing for the zombie apocalypse. It started out good. But to be honest, I got knocked up with twin boys shortly thereafter, and quickly learned that it's hard to prepare for the zombie apocalypse when you're preparing for the baby apocalypse. (words to live by, kids. Write 'em down). So I chose baby preparation over zombie preparation because out of the two potential circumstances, quite frankly, the baby one is more frightening.

My third blog was just lame. But in my defense, I never really intended on going public with it (hence the absence of a link). I started it when I found out I was preggo. It was a lot grumpy and sentimental, very little funny, entertaining, or even interesting, and absolutely chock full 'o vomit. Needless to say, that blog will remain for my eyes only.

And now...my fourth blog. It's designed to be all about this pregnancy and - if science has taught us anything - the one or more children that tend to result from pregnancy. I know what you're thinking: Wow, that's a GREAT IDEA for a blog. Absolutely NOBODY has EVER started a blog to talk about their expanding family.
*sarcasm indeed detected

To you "nay-sayers" I argue yes, but most family blogs don't have the volume of cursing or bad parenting that this blog will likely have. In addition, I'd like to point out that most family blogs are written sober. And I'm not saying that I'll be drunk when I write these posts, but I will say that sleep deprivation does funny things to me, and if I happen to end up with a lampshade on my head singing Bjork songs...well....it probably has nothing to do with the 5 glasses of chardonnay I just pounded.

But before I launch this bad boy of a blog, let's set some ground rules.

1. I will not be blogging every day. Yes, I used to blog every day. But that was on my previous employers' time. Now, I'm the boss, and to tell you the truth, I can be kind of a hard-ass. I'll blog when I'm not working. Or watching Bridezillas. Or....yanno...doing pregnancy- or parenting-related things (mostly in the form of managing body functions. Mine and theirs).

2. I can't promise that I'll be funny all the time. I'll be funny sometimes. But I had a hard time being funny when I was in my first trimester, vomiting 10 times a day, and something tells me it'll be even harder to be funny when I'm up to my elbows in babies. As my Aunt Kathy would say, "Hold up your watches...it's getting deep in here" But I promise I'll try. It's the best I can do.

3. I also PROMISE PROMISE PROMISE I'll keep the sentimentality to a minimum. That goes for words AND pictures. The last thing this world needs is another blog littered with pictures of children with food on their faces and a caption, "Cooper needs a bath." I swear - I'll save it for Facebook.

4. There WILL BE CURSING and other offensive content in this blog. You've been warned. I don't want to hear it later. If you're under 18 and reading this blog - don't. Go read Harry Potter or something (Because let's all take a moment to remember that HARRY POTTER IS A CHILDREN'S SERIES, people. If you're 58 and think Harry Potter is the greatest book series ever, you should probably stop wasting your time reading Harry Potter and finally get that G.E.D. you've been dreaming about).

I'm sure there should be more rules. Maybe I'll think of them later, after I'm allowed to have coffee again. For now, I think that'll do.

So welcome to my blog. I could give you some nice closing words for this post, but anyone who knows me knows I SUCK at ending posts. So I'll leave you with this picture of Chuck Norris kicking the head off of a kangaroo.
(Find THAT in another family blog, Bitches!!)