Public Access

Ooh, man.
Days like today I wish I had two baby swings.
Or two nannies.
Or two stiff drinks.
Or, if all else fails, a gun with two bullets.

No, not for the children (you horrible, horrible person)

Two bullets: one for me, and one for Milo.
Because I plan on burying him with me when I die. Pharoh style. AWWW SHIT.
That's right, Milo, you and I are going to be traveling into the next world together. Don't worry - I'll pack a lunch. Because I know it's going to take forever to get there with you having to sniff and/or pee on something every 2 seconds. I can't wait.

It's one of those go-to-the-bathroom-with-the-door-open kind of days because their neediness trumps any sense of privacy (or dignity) I might have.

BTW, Heads up on the whole "going to the bathroom with the door open" thing:
Always check the time first.
Because if you don't, you might suddenly hear your husband arriving home from work, forcing you to make a mad dash for the bathroom door so that the aura of mystery that surrounds you at all times remains intact

Read: girls don't poop.


Another fun fact about going to the bathroom with the door open:
Pets see it as an invitation for snuggle time.

I'm all Milo, Eff off (because I'm trying not curse as much), and he's all why? and I'm all because I'm INDISPOSED at the moment, and he's all, you look okay to me, you're just sitting there, and I'm all it's complicated, just leave me alone okay,  and he's all but you're just SITTING there. Why can't you pet me? and I'm all MILO I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF HERE IN 3 SECONDS I'M GOING TO BEAT THE BRINDLE OFF OF YOU, and he's all okay, okay, jesus, calm the fuck down (because he doesn't care about cursing in front of the babies). I'm leaving already.

It's weird, going to the bathroom in front of people.
Everybody seems to draw a line in the proverbial sand, as it were, when it comes to bathroom openness.

For example, I had no problem peeing in front of my college roommates. Or my ex husband. But husband #2? To put it bluntly, I'd rather hold my pee inside of me until I develop some kind of massive kidney infection, and then my kidneys explode pee inside of me, and it leaks out of my eyeballs, and children run screaming from me yelling, "she's peeing out of her EYES" and I'm forever referred to as The Eye Pisser, rather than pee in front of Brian.

But I have lots of friends who pee in front of their significant others, so maybe I'm the one with the problem.

It's just that, I guess I kind of feel like it opens the floodgates to a whole bunch of private (and gross) behaviors that are suddenly expected to go public access, if yanno what I'm saying.

Like, one day I'm peeing in front of my spouse, and the next thing I know, I'm chewing on my toenails in bed and only shaving my legs on our anniversary and using crystals instead of real deodorant because it's "all natural" and I don't want to pollute my body with harsh chemicals, but really I just smell like BO all the time.

It's hard, trying to maintain your allure as a wife when you're elbows deep in 8-month-olds. Because, let's face it, your husband saw you immediately post-C-section, when your nethers were swollen and bruised, and the stomach that recently encased two babies was hanging over your pelvis like a sad, partially deflated balloon, and your body was sweating out hormones, and you hadn't showered in 36 hours.
And you think back to that first date, where you made sure your hair looked perfect and you smelled like a sexy flower, and it's kind of like, well, there goes THAT.

But the amazing thing about the human brain is that it can block out traumatic, painful events. So I can only hope that Brian has forgotten what I looked (and smelled) like post-C-section.

Hence: I don't go to the bathroom with the door open.

But where were we? One of those days where I need two bullets/martinis/what-have you?
Right.
Well, yeah. It's been a crazy day. But they're sleeping now, so it's all good.

*And that's how I turn a blog that's supposed to be about parenting into a platform for me to rant about bathroom behaviors*