Broke-de-broke

This is the blog in which I explain to my children why they won't be going to college because my new horse likes to celebrate the shit out of Memorial Day.

But I should probably back up.

I bought a new horse about a month ago. Now for the record, this isn't just a horse horse. This is a fuck you, see you at the Olympics sucka horse. I won't get into his breeding and confirmation and all that jazz because 99.9% of you will glaze over and start thinking about lunch, but let's just put it layman's terms and say he's pretty.

Unfortunately, a fuck you, see you at the Olympics sucka horse typically comes with a hefty price tag. And while I got a tremendous deal on account that he was essentially unbroke, handing over the check for him still made me all kinds of sweaty under the armpits.

Now, because my timing is amazing, I managed to find this horse about a week after we had just replaced our old boiler and hot water heater. And for those of you who have never replaced a boiler and hot water heater, let me tell you...it's the adult equivalent of when you were 5 years old and someone hands you an ice cream cone and then some jerk teenager walks by and wacks it out of your hand and it lands on the sidewalk, and then a dog comes by and pees on it.

CONFUSION, HORROR, AND THE FEELING THAT YOU JUST GOT SCREWED.
That's what you feel when you get the bill for a new hot water heater and boiler.

So let's do the math:

     New water heater/boiler
 +  New fuck you, see you at the Olympics sucka horse
    ______________________________________________
    coke-and-hooker-binge broke

So here I am, with hot water and an awesome new horse and (this is key, here) NO MONEY, and what does my new fuck you, see you at the Olympics sucka horse do?

He says fuck you, it's Memorial Day, see you in the POOL sucka.

That's right. My uber-expensive new mount breaks OUT of his pasture and INTO the pool area over Memorial Day weekend, wherein he immediately strolls onto the pool cover and breaks through.

In the end, the horse is okay, and that's what matters. But the pool is not okay.
Not in the least.
And now this coke-and-hooker-binge broke woman has to come up with the funds to help fix the pool.
Which I partially did....until my laptop did a specacular Shakesperian stage death (complete with woeful monologue) over the weekend, and I was all yo, get up, it's time to work, and it was all, no, and I was all, c'mon, I'm serious, and it was all so am I, and I was all are you kidding me?? and it was all no, this is for realz, bitch. I'm out.

*sigh

So now I have a new water heater and boiler, a new fuck you, see you at the Olympics sucka horse, a new laptop, and EVEN MORE no money. Like, negative money. I went from coke-and-hooker-binge broke to hit-yo'-family-up-for-bail-money broke.

Classy.

So this is why my children will not be going to college. But on the upside, they have as much hot water as they could want and a new horse to ride. And they can have this laptop when they turn 18.

ALMOST as good as a college degree, right?