Oh No!
Your baby of choice just took a shit with enough PSI to leave a skid mark from his butt hole to his shoulder blades! What are you going to do?!?
Hi. I'm Lily.
You might remember me from such blog posts as Everything You Never Wanted To Know About Delivery (Srsly, Don't Read This Post), Circ? You Mean Like Cirque Du Soleil?, and the ultra-classy In Which I Explain Why You Might Find A Baby In My Clothes Dryer.
Washing your baby can be exhausting, time-consuming, and downright dangerous. But if you follow these patented tips, your baby-washing experience is guaranteed to be much more enjoyable, and might even result in a clean(ish) baby.
Step 1: Gather your supplies.
Washing a baby takes an obnoxious amount of equipment. And since it's generally frowned upon to leave your baby unattended in the tub (although I consider it tough love), you need to have all your supplies within arms reach. These include diapers, wipes, clean clothes, shampoo, baby wash, a wash cloth, and a cup or similar container for rinsing. And vodka. Because it's five o'clock somewhere.
Step 2: Grab your baby
Be warned: babies can smell fear. Grab your baby with confidence; any hesitation on your part and the baby will figure out it's about to be bathed and let out a shriek that doesn't quit 'till the skin between its teeny, tiny toes is dry. Once you've grabbed it, hang on tight - those things are more slippery when wet than a baby seal involved in a upper class ponzi scheme. And again, dropping your baby is frowned upon in most cultures, so best to get a good grip.
Step 3: Get peed on
It's gonna happen eventually (multiple times) so you might as well get it over with. Just make sure you keep your mouth shut and try to keep his wiener aimed away from Grandma's priceless hand-crocheted decorative toilet seat cover. And if its a girl...well...all bets are off. Better get your poncho.
Step 4: Wash like you've never washed before
You know all those spots on yourself that you kind of gloss over in the shower because you have to be at work in like 28 minutes? Well, make sure you scrub 'em good on baby, or they'll develop some kind of horrible rash or fungal infection, and you'll have to display your lackluster parenting skills for the world to see as you parade them through the pediatricians office. You might as well hold up a sign that says I'm Going To Hell Because I'm incapable Of Cleaning My Infant. Trust me - there are plenty of less obvious ways to screw up your kid. Wash them properly and then feel free to use them as pawns in your ugly divorce. I wont tell.
Step 5: Look the other way
Because your baby probably definitely just peed in the tub again and do you really want to stop bath time so you can dump and refill that bitch while tipsy and struggling to hold onto your squirmy seal-baby? ...I didn't think so.
What?
It's sterile!!
Step 6: Get that diaper on QUICK
In case you didn't realize, bath time - and parenting in general - is 90% about dodging bodily fluids. And your wet, naked baby has a back-up supply of piss that would rival any dog at the dog park. The good news is you've already changed enough diapers to consider going pro, so you SHOULD able to get that thing on in under 5 seconds. The bad news is that the vodka you consumed while washing baby has significantly dulled your cat-like reflexes. Just try to get the diaper on the butt instead of the head, and we'll consider it a draw.
Step 7: Sniff your baby.
Go ahead. You've earned it. Your baby now smells like dreams and rainbows and unicorns. Sniff him good. Oh yeah. Just like that. Breathe it in, because in about 5 minutes he'll smell like day-old formula and fart again, and you'll go back to handling him in a Hazmat suit.
So there you go. From a dirty to clean baby in 7 simple steps. Also, depending on how much you drank during the process, your day just went from shitty to vodka-tastic in 7 simple steps.
So really, everybody wins. Your baby gets thoroughly cleaned and sniffed, and YOU get to have a few cocktails and make some bad decisions.
Cheers!
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