Dear Neighbor, *#$&% You

Dear Neighbor,

So, you've noticed I'm an animal lover.
That's fantastic.
Your powers of observation are impressive.

I am, indeed, a lover of all things fuzzy (or I thought I was before I moved in). Animals are great. My pets provide me with unconditional love, affection, and floor-cleaning services (I can't remember the last time I had to worry about dropping crumbs). They don't judge me or criticize me. They love me for who I am, and all they ask for in return is a little attention and regular feedings.

Well, except for our evil cat, who has asked for a pony for Christmas...to slaughter.
She may be getting anger management classes instead.

So it's 100% understandable why you would think that because I love animals, I welcome your pack of mangy, rabid he- and she-devil dogs racing across my property to assault me, my family, my pets, and any guests who might have the audacity of approaching my front door.

OF COURSE you wouldn't think to question whether or not I enjoy your dogs' extended visits to my front and back yard. I mean, who wouldn't love being barked at incessantly every time they leave or return to their house? Who wouldn't welcome watching as their dog flips out and tries to break through the living room window because there are several small dogs just on the other side, standing on the window box, aggressively screaming at the household inhabitants? Who wouldn't love having to wait 6 to 8 hours at a time to let their dogs out in the back yard because your pack of vicious animals are still outside and will charge the fence, teeth bared, if they happen to see any dogs on the other side?

Yes.
It's totally and completely understandable why you wouldn't stop and think for half a second that maybe your neighbors don't enjoy being aurally and physically assaulted on their own property by your gang of fluffy, shrieking canines.

Granted, you've taken steps to control these aggressive mutts. You mentioned the other day that you reduced the radius of your invisible fence from half-way across our property to your own property lines, or thereabouts (and may I congratulate you for finally realizing that your property does not extend past my master bedroom, bathroom, and office). Unfortunately, being that your dogs come straight from the bowels of Hell, they don't feel pain and - I'm not sure if you've noticed this - pay about as much attention to the invisible fence as they do to your demands to return to the house.

And speaking of your attempts to call off your intrusive little furballs...a word to the wise:
if your dogs haven't returned to you after 5 minutes of you standing barefoot on your porch, half-heartedly calling to them and shaking a box of dog treats, it's safe to say they're ignoring you and maybe you should put some shoes on your feet, drag your fat ass away from your front door, and come and retrieve your dogs before I drop-kick them on to route 70.

Understandably, you are confused about which types of animal interactions I enjoy.
So let's set the record straight.

Well behaved dogs who are happy to see other people and animals = good.
Aggressive dogs who charge and/or bite other people and animals = bad.

Dogs who remain on their own property = lovely.
Dogs who are left out unsupervised for hours on end to wander around, shit on, and piss on other peoples' property = not so great.

Dogs who allow my dogs to roam their backyard in peace = bombastic.
Dogs who throw themselves at my fence and shriek at me and my dogs any time we happen to be outside = srsly, WTF.

I hope these examples are clear enough. From your lack of reaction to my dirty looks and plaintive requests it's pretty obvious that you require less subtle forms of communication. And honestly, if you have any questions about what sorts of behaviors I find desirable, please don't hesitate to ask. I want to be sure that you're aware of exactly how much your dogs (and by association, you) are assholes.

In the meantime, please review my definitions of "good" and "bad" pet situations and compare them to the actions of your own satanic animals; I think you'll find more than a few similarities that may prompt you to take some drastic and unconventional approaches to dog ownership. Like, oh, say, fencing in your dogs. Or using a leash. Or (and I know this is kind of a crazy idea) supervising them when they're outside and retrieving them when they start to harass others.

By taking these extreme actions, I believe it's possible that maybe one day your pets and the rest of the world can live in harmony.

But if not, and you find that maybe - just maybe - you did such a poor job raising these dogs that they now are beyond hope and need to be put down...

...allow me to volunteer my services.
I have a duffel bag in the garage, a creek in my backyard, and my fees are reasonable.

Love,
Your (formerly) animal-loving neighbor.