I hit the 20-week milestone this week, meaning that 20-ish weeks ago, my eggs took a field trip to a petri dish to meet the donor of the other half of my sons' chromosomes.
Isn't it romantic? Like something out of a fairytale :-)
20 weeks means that I'm halfway through this pregnancy. And I'm thinking to myself, I'm ONLY half way??? Because if I continue to grow at this rate, I'm going to need my own zipcode by August. I've told the boys I'll hold out 'till 37 weeks, but after that....it's war.
Last one out sleeps in the closet!!!
Fortunately, by 20 weeks, I've started to get the hang of this whole 'pregnancy' thing. I'm no longer confused by the loss of my belly button or the creepy smiles I get from strangers in the grocery store, and I've mastered the art of keeping a straight face while people tell me the horrible things I'm about to experience.
But for those of you who are considering getting knocked up...I'll tell ya - pregnancy is BEYOND weird. It's a lifestyle. One that chains you to certain habits and patterns, otherwise you'll A) throw up, B) pass out, or C) totally fuck up your kid(s) forever.
So here's a list of DOs and DON'Ts I've learned so far. Read them carefully - you might be in my flip flops one day (because your shoes won't fit), and then all of this will really sink in.
DOs and DON'Ts of pregnancy:
1. DO sleep 14+ hours per day. Not like you really have a choice. These kids will suck the energy out of you like a leach on a hemophiliac. But you can either fight the urge and spend your days miserable and on the verge of narcolepsy, or you can just sleep. Whenever you can for as long as you can. In you car...on a park bench...in the supply closet at work...it doesn't matter. Just sleep. Trust me, the people around you will appreciate it when you don't burst into tears/hysterical laughter/a cursing spree every time Bangkok Palace forgets your eggroll.
2. DON'T attempt to canoe past 15 weeks. I learned this one from experience the other night. It SEEMED like a good idea. But getting in was a struggle - kind of like getting a killer whale in one of those transport hammocks. And I couldn't really enjoy the experience because I had to pee. And my butt hurt. And I felt like my insides were getting pancaked. And the rocking of the canoe made me slightly nauseous. All in all, the trip was a failure, and I won't be stepping back in that green death-trap until I'm back in control of my body again.
3. DO speak up if you're about to vomit and/or pass out. Not much of a puker? Never passed out in your life? Well get ready to experience the joys of both. Pregnancy is riddled with puking and passing out. Every skipped meal...every car ride...every shopping experience....is a puking or fainting incident waiting to happen. I, personally, almost threw up and passed out on the check-out girl at REI, a riding student, and my ultrasound tech. And that was just within the last 30 days, people!! So stay hydrated, eat regularly, and stock up on "I'm sorry" cards, because you'll be writing them to all the people you vomited on, just before sandbagging them on your trip to the ground.
4. DO go for the double-roll. Worried about what you're going to have to spend on diapers? Don't worry - you're probably spending almost the same amount on TP. I know everybody says that you pee all the time, but seriously, you pee ALL THE TIME. Expect to get REAL FAMILIAR with the tile patterns on the bathroom floor, because you'll be spending more time in there than any other room in the house. This is coming from someone who used to pee twice a day, max. So make sure you stock up on jumbo rolls of TP, or you'll run out every 3 hours, and you'll have to do that waddle-with-your-pants-down-at-your-ankles to retrieve a new roll from the linen closet. And if you think you couldn't become any LESS attractive to your spouse, try having him walk in on THAT spectacle.
5. DON'T try to squeeze in those non-maternity jeans. Even if they fit 5 days ago. Because in those 5 days, you might have expanded 3 inches in the waistline. And if you insist on wearing them, you might A) throw up, B) pass out, or C) totally fuck up your kid(s) forever. Swallow your pride, and rock the elastic waistband like everybody else.
6. DON'T plan on breathing. Apparently the extra progesterone in your body causes your lungs to become desensitized to carbon dioxide, and relaxes the muscles. This causes shortness of breath. Which is a clinical term for SOMEBODY PLEASE GET THIS DAMN ELEPHANT OFF OF MY RIBCAGE. Later in the third trimester, the kid(s) actually squish your lungs, making them less effective. In other words, don't expect to get a full breath after week 15 or so. Oxygen's overrated, anyway.
7. DO expect your nails to grow fast. Like, REALLY fast. Like, you wake up after cutting your nails the night before, only to find that they've grown a full 2 inches, and you suddenly think you're Wolverine from the X-men, and you quickly leap out of bed, ready to start slashing shit, which causes you to A) throw up, B) pass out, and C) totally fuck up your kid(s) forever. No, you're not Wolverine. You're pregnant, stupid. Get up, pick the carpet out of your face, brush your teeth, and cut your nails again before you hurt yourself further.
8. DON'T forget to enjoy your ginormous breasts. Especially you formerly small-chested women out there (A cups represent!!). Huge sweater monkeys are one of the few GOOD side-effects of pregnancy, so throw on a low-cut top and shake what yo' mamma gave ya! Well....what your pregnancy hormones gave ya!! Just make sure you strap those puppies down if engaging in any bouncy activities (but who are we kidding, if it doesn't involve sleeping or eating, you're not going to be doing it anyway).
I'm gonna stop there. 8 is a nice, round-ish number, and I actually have a work deadline to meet today.
Plus, I'm kinda worn out from all this blogging.
Time to pee, take a nap, and catch a few good breaths before I A) throw up, B) pass out, or C) totally fuck my kid(s) up forever.
Toodles
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