Outside The 50th Percentile, Looking In

The boys had their 20-month pediatrician appointments last week.
I'm happy to say that things look great.
Isaac, for the first time in his life, weighs more than Simon, and although they're still in the 15th-ish percentile for size, they're growing, which is all that matters at this point. After some pokes and prods and looks into various orafices, we got "all clear" and were instructed to return at 24 months for a check up.

This appointment, front to back, probably seems totally normal to you moms and dads out there. But for us, it was a Victory-With-A-Capital-V. Because for the first time ever, their development was (grossly) assessed to be "right on track," and for the first time in the history of their little lives, they were given a whole 4-month recess from the office.

In other words, for the first time since becoming a parent, I wasn't facing a frowining pediatrician who was telling me in so many words that there is something wrong with my kids.

You would not BELIEVE how long-lasting the effects of being a preemie are.
I swear to god, guys, I was working on a preemie ulcer this past year from all the stress of being responsible for two little guys who - horror of horrors - were/are behind in their mental and physical development.

Some days, I want to hunt down the people who developed the whole aggregate curve system for pediatric assessment and kick in their teeth.

It's not that I don't think curves are good, or that it's not important to be able to compare the development of a child against the average. But the alarmist nature of pediatricians these days (mostly in order to avoid a malpractice suit) causes them to think worst-case scenario as soon as a child changes momentum in their track. There is no forgiveness for being human, which we all are, and which I think pediatricians sometimes forget.
We are not statistics.
We are more than our points on a graph.
We all follow our own path and yanno what? That's okay too.

Since the boys were born, I've heard the following from various pediatricians:

"Well, we won't worry YET, but if they're not walking by the next appointment, we're going to have to get some tests done."

"They're not really growing as much as they should. It's a sign of malnutrition"

"He's still crawling? He might need to be assessed for hip problems"

And the doozie:

"Your son has what's called 'microcephaly.' I'm going to order an MRI and send you to a neurologist at du Pont."

Did I mention that that last statement was made as the result of an inaccurate head measurement?
Christ.
Nothing like accidentally diagnosing a child with mental retardation because the tape measure slipped.

Not surprisingly, my experience with pediatricians has been extraordinarily negative. In every appointment, it's been the same:
They're little.
They're behind.
They're not doing what other kids their age are doing, and therefore either A) I'm not feeding/stimulating/playing with them enough, or B) They're probably suffering from some kind of syndrome and are handicapped. Switching pediatricians has helped somewhat, but I find that no matter who I talk to, the negativity is there, even if it's sugar-coated.

And whats worse is that I haven't been able to hold this negativity at arm's reach. I, a person who knows FULL WELL the ability of doctors to make mistakes, and the importance of being your own (or your childrens') advocate...I was often sucked into this mind-set that my children different,w hich is bad. I started watching their every little movement. I started comparing them to kids at the playground. I revved up my interactions with them and turned every moment into a STIMULATION-SPREE (consequently taking ALL the fun of hanging out with my kids).

Hell, I even spent a tearful afternoon believing that Isaac had mental retardation after the pediatrician inaccurately measured his head size. Like, seriously? I believed that bullshit??

But on the bright side, it's been extremely eye-opening.

If you blindly trust the "expert" opinion and ignore your own gut instincts about your kids, you end up with a lot of heartache.

Lesson learned.

I know that my kids are fine, and I know that they'll eventually catch up with their peers. This last appointment was only a reinforcement of those facts.

But no joke, I hope this next kid of mine is completely and totally average in every way. I want 50th percentiles down the board. I want him/her to be a poster child for developmental milestones. Because it's taken a lot of energy and a lot of mindfulness to stand up to all the negativity surrounding the developmental pace of my boys, and I honestly never, ever want to be in that place again where I look at my kid and second-guess myself.

It's hard enough being a parent.
There's no need to make it any harder.

So for those of you with "average" children out there, count your blessings. You've been spared boatloads of worry, anxiety, and an ongoing sense of inadequacy.

And for those of you with children who fall outside the average, hang in there.
Trust yourself.
Love your kids.
Have FUN with them, and stop comparing them to everyone else.
Diversity is natural, and the less you worry, the more you can see your children for the beautiful creatures that they are.