How To Poop In The Tub

So, you've decided to poop in the tub.
Congratulations!
Pooping in the tub is an excellent way to further explore the weird stuff that comes out of your body that your parents never let you play with. With careful timing and execution, pooping in the tub can be a rewarding experience that can both educate and entertain the whole family. To maximize your tub-pooping experience, we've put together an easy, step-by-step guide that will have you  defecating mid-bath and reaping the benefits in no time!

Step 1: Hell No, We Won't Go (pt.1)
If you're lucky, your parents have not yet attempted to introduce you to the Nightmare Hole they call a "Potty." Count your blessings; a Potty is actually a wormhole that will vacuum suck you into an alternate universe full of sharks and strangers. For those less fortunate, your parents may be trying to convince you to sit on the Devil Pot to rid yourself of bodily fluids and solids. Don't be fooled by promises of candy or high fives in return for this act. There is a limited amount of poop in your body and if you release it into this Terrible Void it will be gone forever and there will be none left for the tub. Simply refuse the potty as per usual.

Step 2: Lights, Camera...
Your parents hate you and want to send you to Shark and Stranger Hell so they can stay up late and not share any of their dessert and jump on the bed in peace. They therefore are highly attuned to indicators that you are about to poop so they can put you on the Potty Suckage Device as soon as possible. It is important that you respond in the negative if they ask you if you have to poop. This can be in the form of a head shake, a verbal "no," or, when all else fails, a spontaneous conversation about trains. At this point, do not squirm, flex your abdominals, or do anything else outside your normal routine. Be aware that even staring off into space can be interpreted as poop readiness, and can prompt the initiation of a speedy Poop Action Plan, or PAP, from your parents. The PAP often involves the Potty and rarely involves the tub, so this action is not advised. Carry on as normal until you are placed in the tub

Step 3: Action
You are in the tub. Huzzah! Let 'er rip.

Step 4: There Is No I in TEAM
Once your parents have discovered that you have pooped the tub, they most likely responded with something akin to "IIIEEEEEEE!!" and removed you from the water post-haste. They are now faced with the task of managing you in all your wet, naked, glory, as well as disposing of the waste and scrubbing affected surfaces. At this point, it is a good idea to help with the clean up process. This can be achieved by attempts to touch and/or smear the wastematter with a toy, a square of toilet paper, or even your hand. Obtaining a bleach-based cleaner from the cabinet while your parents aren't looking is also useful. Just be sure to demonstrate utmost concern for the situation regardless of your clean-up tactic.

Step 5: Hell No, We Won't Go (pt.2)
At some point your parents, undoubtedly thanks to your efforts, will have removed all traces of poop from the tub and have refilled it with water. They will have muttered a dozen or more obscenities (take a mental note; these can be shouted the next time you're in a public space) and if you're lucky, they've ignored you long enough for you to make the most of Naked Time by peeing on the bathroom mat (an action they likely won't discover for days or weeks). They will now attempt to place you back in the tub for final sanitation. This is the perfect time and place to remember that you are actually terrified of your bodily waste and are therefore now terrified of the bathtub. Although you will most likely lose in the end, it is still important to fight your parents with all your strength as they struggle to reintroduce you to water. Screaming, kicking, and even biting are appropriate as long as your parents, who are frazzled and exhausted, are brought to tears.

At this point you have won, and you will probably be left to your own devices for a length of time while your parents, having now been pushed to their breaking point, either argue about some unrelated incident for the remainder of the evening or split a bottle of wine. You can rest easy tonight knowing that your parents are broken creatures who will never fully recover from this experience...which as well all know is your primary directive.