Obsessed

I'm sure it would surprise none of you to hear that bedrest tends to cramp one's style (unless one's style typically involves bedsores and crappy daytime TV).
Being that my world has been reduced to everything that spans the distance between the bedroom and the livingroom and my daily activities have been reduced to eating, sleeping, working, and staring at various TV and computer screens, I'm also sure that you wouldn't be surprised to find that I'm tending to obsess on things that generally wouldn't hold my interest or care for more than like .02 seconds in my pre-bedrest life, when I had the luxury of being a contributing member to our society. But now that I'm less useful than a two-legged table (and about as unstable, emotionally speaking)...well, things are different.

So allow me to present to you the Things I'm Embarrassed To Admit That I Spend Way Too Much Time Thinking About (version twin.0)

1. Stupid people who have managed to become parents
Watching stupid people do stupid things is a great pick-me-up, second only to cake. Or freebasing. After all, why do you think reality TV has become so popular? So naturally, I'm obsessed with watching any reality TV that shows stupid people being stupid parents. Because I figure hell, no matter how badly I may f*ck up my kids, at least I'll never hit my baby daddy, causing him to call the police, which lands me a jail cell and provides me with months of Child Protective Services house calls. In other words, Thank you, Amber from MTV's Teen Mom, for making my life choices seem so spectacularly awesome by comparison. I also owe a big, heart-felt "thank you" to about two-thirds of the stupid moms on TLC's A Baby Story for planning on natural childbirth/trying to raise your infant son on a vegan diet/crying because your child's life-saving c-section wasn't on your "birth plan"/insisting that you absolutely cannot give birth without your 23 "support people" (including your brother's wife's cousin's niece's friend's orthodontist). I may not have cribs yet, but I'll always have my common sense, which is more than I can say for some of these nitwits who have subjected themselves to TV cameras for my personal judgement. God bless America.

2. Shaving my legs
Honestly, I don't know why I insist on shaving my legs. I don't wear shorts, and any sort of bedroom action has long ago been prohibited. But for some reason, I find it a source of pride to say, Yes, I may be confined to my bed and the couch, and yes, I may be nearly 8 months pregnant, but my legs are now and will continue to be smoother than the bottoms of my unborn children. It's like I'm clinging to the last shred female sexuality and desirability that I have. Because LORD KNOWS there is nothing else that is sexy or desirable about me (unless double chins and saggy butts happen to be your thing. Ooh baby).

3. My dad's sweet rolls.
They're in the fridge right now, and they're calling my name. And sure, I tend to obsess about all things baked and delicious (and this fact is 100% unrelated to my pregnant state), but allow me to remind you that my dad has some serious Pennsylvania Dutch roots going on up in hear. And everyone knows that if there's one thing the Amish excel at, it's baking. Okay, and creating sturdy wooden things. And growing oddly-shaped beards. But mostly baking. I think it's actually one of their commandments: Thou Shall Not Create Mediocre Cakes, Pies and Pastries. Seriously, one time my dad made a cake that was a little doughy in the middle, and I caught him flogging himself in the back yard later that night as penance.
It's just not okay.
So if my dad bakes something, you can be assured that it'll probably be better than anything you've ever tasted. Like his sweet rolls. Which are in the fridge right now. mmmmmmm....Mennonite-derived baked goodness.

4. Facebook.
I've always been a bit of a Facebook troll. I love knowing intimate details about my friends' lives without having to call them (because I ABHOR talking on the phone). I guess it appeals to my slightly anti-social nature. Or my penchant for voyeurism. But now that I'm confined to my house, Facebook has seriously become my lifeline to the rest of the world. Bring on the pictures, quotes, comments, and messages. "Like" my status updates. Post a funny video of a cat falling out of a window for my amusement. I love it all. It's the virtual equivalent of me rolling around in a pile of puppies. Trust me, you've never had a more rapt Facebook audience than this girl, so if you have something to say, SAY IT. I'll hear you. And comment on it. And repost it. And then check back in 10 minutes to see if YOU commented on my comment.
I know...I'm pathetic.
OOH, maybe I'll write about how pathetic I am on my next status update!!

5. My cervix
Again, pregnancy is a STRANGE, TWISTED thing. I mean, when else in your life (since the age of 4) are you as obsessed with your girly parts? Now that I know I'm at least a centimeter dilated, I'm constantly worried that my cervix is gonna peace out all together. No joke - I sneezed yesterday and then froze like a deer in the headlights, waiting to see if my "innards" felt any different. Every Braxton Hicks contraction scares the snot out of me, and I find myself counting down the days to my next internal exam, hoping and praying that there's been no progression.
Dear Cervix
SIT! STAY! If you're good, I'll buy you a pony.
Love,
The Terrified Mom-To-Be.

I'd love to say there's more that I'm thinking about...but there's not. Facebook...sweet rolls...impending cervical demise....that pretty much sums up my world right now.

I'm not complaining. I know that all too soon my world will revolve around feeding, burping, changing, and finding time for a quick nervous breakdown. But until then, my mind is less on diapers and more on judging people, eating, and having fabulously smooth legs.

Someday, this will all seem luxurious, I'm sure.