It's always dicey deciding how much personal information to give on this blog. I want to be honest and discuss the matters that are important to me and foremost on my mind. But on the other hand, there's that whole "airing dirity laundry out in public" concept. I could be all like, "Yo, my butt be itchin' like CRAZY," and you could all be like, "ummmm...ew. TMI" and things between us might be weird. Well, weirder than they already are.
It's difficult for me to identify the line between sharing and going there, and even harder to make sure I don't cross it. I'm kind of an open book. Like, to a fault. And then there's my husband, who was either a ninja or a high-raking official in the CIA in a past life, and would just as soon be tortured to death than divulge what he ate for breakfast.
We're different like that.
He's a Secret Sammy and I'm an Honest Oliver [yes, I just made those names up], and those two personality types do NOT mesh when the Honest Oliver has a sensitive and poignant yet hysterically funny blog.
...I've heard.
So I kind of stewed over talking about potential problems in this pregnancy. But at the end of the day, my need to vent overrules my (or my husband's) need for privacy. Plus, I've already divulged how this child was concieved, so honestly, I think we've already gone to Weirdsville.
We went in for a routine ultrasound a few days ago and this child, who was already petite at 20 weeks, is now in the less-than-fifth percentile for size at 26 weeks. What seemed adorably compact (and easy on the vajayjay to deliver) is now starting to become a situation. The baby has been diagnosed with IUGR - intrauterine growth restriction - and while she or he seems very active and to have good blood flow, the size is definitely a concern. My pregnancy has gone from normal to high-risk, and my monitoring has been bumped up from every 4-6 weeks to every week. The doctor, while optimiztic due to the health of the baby, blood flow, and placenta, has nevertheless discussed the potential for early delivery if he/she doesn't get back on track.
And I'm like, for cryin' out loud, AGAIN with this high-risk crap?!? Doesn't a due date mean anything around here??
The boys were delivered at 34 weeks due to IUGR. They were 3 and 3.5 lbs, respectively. They have been miraculously healthy, but I've already discussed the challenges with preemies here, and I am seriously overwhelmed and frustrated at my inability to grow a normal-sized kid.
And I'm scared.
I'm in no way a worrier, but I am fully aware of the risks of IUGR and early delivery. Risks that could seriously affect the physical, emotional, and cognitive development of my child. Risk that could have life-long consequences, even with the best care. I got lucky with the boys, but I'm in no mood to run that gauntlet again.
Not to mention, the term "bed rest" takes a new and ominous tone for someone who has twin toddlers to wrangle.
And on top of this, I feel horribly guilty.
Because I haven't been eating nearly as well during this pregnancy and rest?? What IS that word??
So has my inability to eat healthy and rest caused a diagnosis of IUGR?
The medical community is still out on this subject, but it's definitely a possibility. Not just anecdotally, but, like, from the actual research, which I've read thoroughly (and I have a background in medical research). Potential maternal treatments for IUGR include bedrest and aspirin therapy, which theoretically translate into increased blood flow to the uterus. A high-protein diet may be helpful as well, but no statistic difference has been proven (yet).
In other words, there is a chance that my high activity level and subadequate diet as been negatively affecting this baby by reducing blood flow and nutrient transfer. While I was chasing the twins, I was using all my resources and not giving a fair share to the fetus.
You want to feel like a bad parent?? Try THAT on for size.
So.
I've taken the incentive to make rest and nutrition (especially, protein) a priority. Which is no easy feat when sitting on the couch amounts to "tapping in" a WWF match. For realz, I get a flying elbow to the eye socket or a bite to the achilles tendon every time I try to put my feet up. Not to mention the challenges associated with endless trips to the grocery store to stock up on fresh foods that my boys (and now I) are flying through. I saw a documentary on the San Diego Zoo on Animal Planet once and the keeper was like, "We go through 65 lbs of fruits and vegetables a day per hippo" and now I'm kind of like, yeah, us too.
I'm trying (and succeeding) to manage my stress level and I'm trying (and mostly failing) to manage my guilt level as my house falls apart around me and my already overburdened husband takes on yet more of the household chores. I'm trying my best to be a good mom, both to the twins and this fetus, and a good wife, despite our new "you go clean up the dishes while I watch Millionaire Matchmaker" dynamic. There is a lot of trying going on around here. Only time will tell if I'm succeeding.
Fortunately, I have a lot of support. I have a mother and mother-in-law nearby to help with the kids, and my husband 110% agrees with this plan of action. And last night, when I caught Isaac mid-air as he was about to sandbag my ass and explained to him that mommy needs to rest...well, he turned around and hit his brother instead. Awwwwwww!
Like I said, I'm getting a lot of support.
In the meantime, if you come to visit, please excuse the chaos. Please excuse the dirty dishes and the piles of laundry and the toys, toys, toys toys and the frazzled husband who will likely only grunt at you as he throws a kid over his shoulder and trudges off to mow the front lawn. My house is a mess. My life is kind of a mess too. But I'm being forced to choose between an orderly existance and a full-term (or near-full-term) baby right now, and as obvious as that choice sounds, it amounts to a series of small choices to NOT swiffer the floor and to NOT cook dinner and that, my friends,...is a lot harder than it sounds.
Wish me luck. We go back for another growth ultrasound in 3 weeks and I'm confident that rest + nutrition will get my little one back on track. But in the meantime, if anybody has any healthy, protein-rich recipes or babysitting services to offer, hit me up.
I, and my little baby-to-be, will be eternally grateful.
